


Confessions

by Viridian5



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Canon - Manga, Canon is filled with archive warnings, Drama, M/M, referenced rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 15:33:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6158290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Goku asks Hakkai for help on something Sanzo-related.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Goku, Sanzo, and Hakkai’s origin stories. Thanks to Akira 17 for beta.

“Hakkai, can I talk to you somewhere privately? I need some help with something,” Goku said after Hakkai opened his and Gojyo’s hotel room door. Goku couldn’t understand why he’d feel nervous about this, so the butterflies in his stomach needed to settle down. What he wanted to talk about couldn’t be a total surprise to a guy as observant as Hakkai.

“Yes, come in. Gojyo is out.”

“I know.” Out trying--and probably failing--to pick up women somewhere else in town. “Sanzo is outside smoking on the other side of the building.”

“You’ve done reconnaissance.”

“Yeah.” Goku locked the door behind him. “But can we talk quietly just in case?”

“Sure, Goku. What can I help you with?”

Goku took a deep breath. “I know Sanzo loves me, and I’m just about the only person he touches willingly, so those are good signs, but I need some advice on approaching him about, uh, sex. Having it. Me, with him.”

Hakkai suddenly looked like he’d rather be anywhere other than here. “I’m sure Gojyo would be a much better choice for this conversation.”

“I don’t think so. One, I don’t want to have a one-night stand with Sanzo. Two, Gojyo is really good at pissing Sanzo off so unless convincing Sanzo to give me a try involves provoking the hell out of him, and I really hope it won’t since I don’t want to get hit by the fan or shot at, no. Three, Gojyo might give me good advice but also might give me bad advice as a prank to get me shot at. Four, some of what he thinks is good advice might actually be bullshit.”

Hakkai smiled but said, “You make him sound like he’s incompetent. He’s had some long-term successes.”

“I’m not sure how what you two guys have together works or how much credit Gojyo can take for it. It must take the both of you, right?”

“I’m actually not certain myself.” Talking about it to Goku seemed to make him feel uncomfortable, but Goku couldn’t tell if it was from talking about it at all or talking about it to Goku.

“You guys lived together and spent a lot of time together for years, but so did Sanzo and I and we’re not together, so I dunno, it can’t just be that. Though the two of us have different personalities than the two of you.” Goku knew himself well enough to know that he’d never be able to let Sanzo go out chasing tail the way Hakkai let Gojyo; it’d hurt him too much.

“You’ve really thought about all of this.”

“It’s important, and I don’t want to screw up what I already have with Sanzo. Plus, it gets boring in the back of Jeep. I can’t argue with Gojyo, watch him try to cheat me at cards, and ask for food all the time every day, so I have time to think. I’m not asking for tips on having sex--though if you have any you think are really great, I’m open to hearing them--I’d like to convince Sanzo to do it with me regularly.”

“‘It’?”

“Are you really gonna make me spell it out?” 

“I can give better advice if I know what you’re hoping for.”

“You know, love, Sanzo letting me touch him more often, sex: snuggling with purpose, kisses, hugs, pettings, jerking off, fucking. Hey, you asked for it so you have no business getting that look on your face! I’m not a total innocent anymore.” He’d seen a lot of life and bad things on the road with them, but he didn’t say that because it sounded kind of accusing, like the three of them had robbed him of his innocence, as if he’d let Sanzo go west without him. They all still thought of him as little and naïve, as if he hadn’t also spent a lot of time with Gojyo as a seatmate and sparring partner. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just....”

“It’s just that you were teaching me really basic math a few years ago?”

“Not entirely successfully.”

“I didn’t have many memories when I first got out of the cage. I’m making up for lost time. I just, I really love him, Hakkai, and really want to touch him and make his life better. Make him happy, or at least happy _ish_ since it’s Sanzo. Like, if I could get him to see that getting touched by me is a good thing, I could maybe stroke him into a better mood or sleep so he’d smoke and explode less often, which would be _awesome_. I could do so much good for him.” Kissing those lips, kissing and stroking his skin and hair. _Brushing_ his hair. Putting his nose into Sanzo’s hair or against the nape of his neck that usually had a collar in the way.... Shit, he had to stop thinking about this before he came in his pants. “I know it’ll be tough getting there. So many people want him for the wrong reasons, for him being pretty or a Sanzo. It’s tiring just watching all those people hitting on him, so it must be super tiring to be the one getting hit on so much.” 

“I don’t know if he has an interest in men,” Hakkai said. “I don’t know if he has a sexual interest in anyone; some people don’t.”

“Nah, I know he’s celibate, not asexual.” Sanzo jerked off sometimes, never in front of Goku but Goku could smell it. And from how Sanzo had been around Yakumo, Hakkai, and sometimes Gojyo, Goku knew being a guy wasn’t a problem.

“All right. Some events in his past may be preventing him from wanting to get intimate with anyone.”

“His master. Father. Yeah.” Just thinking about it made Goku’s heart ache for Sanzo. Nobody should have to see his father messily murdered right in front of him.

“He sees himself as something of a parent to you, so that gets in the way. He also worries that your history together, the way he rescued you from your prison and took you in, might make it harder for you to say no.”

“So I’m so _grateful_ that my yes can’t be trusted?”

“Essentially.”

“Ugh.”

“You also look very young, as if you’re in your mid-teens, and it wasn’t so long ago that you looked even younger. You don’t have all that much life experience, post-amnesia. It might be difficult for him to see you as mature enough.”

“If anyone’s robbing the cradle it’s actually me, but shit, I can see how Sanzo might see it otherwise. I have to work on seeming less like a kid.” Recently he’d played up being a kid still because a lot of the time it seemed to make the others feel more comfortable. “What else do you have?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can work around those.” He already had been for years, with some successes. “I can tell you have other reasons.”

“Sanzo told me some things in confidence. It’s not my place to reveal them.”

Back when Goku was a lot less mature, he’d feel jealous over Sanzo’s talks with Hakkai, but eventually he realized that different friends had different roles in your life. Sanzo got a kind of conversation from Hakkai that he couldn’t from Goku or Gojyo, and talked to Goku about and did things he didn’t share with Hakkai.

“I get that, but any secret is safe with me. You know that. _You’re_ not going to tell Sanzo about this conversation, right?”

“Eh-heh.” 

“It’ll help me help him!”

After some thought, Hakkai said, “The monks spread rumors that Sanzo was his master’s favorite student because Koumyou Sanzo used him for sex, rumors that started when Sanzo was still very young. It blackened his master’s reputation and belittled the work and effort Sanzo had put in.”

So Sanzo had to deal with people claiming his adoptive father who’d rescued and raised him-- Right. Shit. Goku understood. 

Fucking jealous, sniping monks. Goku had faced some of that himself. He remembered that Sanzo refused to leave him alone with some monks, probably from the nasty things they’d say about him and what he was to Sanzo. He’d only belatedly realized a while after they’d left the temple for their mission that the monks might think Sanzo had been doing perverted things to him-- 

Oh, shit. And Hakkai seemed to still be holding something back from him.... “Did some of the monks at his first temple use him for sex?”

“No!” 

It sounded like the truth, thankfully, but that no wasn’t everything; Goku could tell. “What else?” 

“There is nothing else.”

“Hakkai, if you don’t tell me, my guesses will just get worse and worse.”

“It’s not my place to reveal--”

“I get that, but I need to know. You don’t wanna know some of the things I’m imagining right now.” Goku had _seen_ some things on the road during their mission.... “ _Please_ , Hakkai.”

“...all right. A few days after he left his original temple to search for his master’s stolen sutra, a band of bandits attacked him. One of them... wanted more from Sanzo than money but didn’t succeed because Sanzo shot him in the head. That man was Sanzo’s first kill.”

Goku’s stomach roiled. Sanzo had only been 12 or 13, a little pretty kid out on the roads traveling alone, freshly grieving his adoptive father who’d been murdered in front of him, and someone tried to _rape_ him? Goku had seen some of the scars Sanzo had from people trying to _kill_ him during his search, but--

How many sheets to the wind had Sanzo been to share that bit about the attempted rape? Then again, Hakkai could be underhanded sometimes when he wanted something. Goku could just see Hakkai poking Sanzo’s pride with things like “It’s childish to react this way to a standard medical exam” repeatedly until Sanzo burst out with something like “I don’t like people looking at me there or touching me there since I was nearly raped a few years ago!” Or get Sanzo drunk to grill him. Either way, if so, deeply uncool, Hakkai. 

(Depressing to think that Sanzo might need to be protected from Hakkai sometimes. Hakkai could be scary at times, but he shouldn’t be scary to his friends.)

Knowing Sanzo and the way people harassed him, there might have been other attempts he hadn’t mentioned to Hakkai. There might have been people who had--

Goku wanted to puke or punch something. He wanted to go back in time and _find_ anyone who tried to _before_ \-- It wasn’t like he could track them down and take revenge because Sanzo had probably already done it.

Although he understood many reasons why Sanzo wouldn’t tell him about this stuff and knew he couldn’t win in this discussion, he still had to say, “He has to know that I wouldn’t blame him for what happened to him,” like to get it on Hakkai’s official record if it somehow came up later. Gojyo did it too.

“Maybe, but sometimes even sympathy is too much for Sanzo to bear.”

“Yeah. True, dammit.” But he couldn’t say for sure that the assault(s) had ruined Sanzo’s attitude toward touching and being touched. After all, after explaining what had happened to his master and getting a look at Goku’s face, Sanzo had said, “Don’t mourn for some cheerful and sweet person you think I could’ve been if he hadn’t died, because I’ve been sarcastic and mean-spirited all my life. Not everything about me is about that night.” Goku didn’t know if that made him feel hopeful or not.

Hakkai’s face didn’t entirely hide how much their conversation had wrecked him, which made Goku feel bad. Here he was talking about this to a guy whose sister had been kidnapped and raped--something Goku hadn’t really _grasped_ for ages--then killed herself in front of him in horror at what had happened to her and being pregnant with her rapist’s child. But Goku hadn’t known beforehand that the talk would go here. He _really_ hadn’t.

He really wished it hadn’t, that things had never happened to Sanzo, but he preferred to know if they did. 

Gojyo’s past sucked too. Why did there have to be so much tragedy in their lives?

“I don’t know if that has a bearing on Sanzo’s celibacy,” Hakkai said. “It might not be insurmountable, but it will probably take a lot of work and you have to be very careful in how you approach him about it. It’s possible that you may have to content yourself with the ways he already loves you.”

“I know, but I don’t care because he’s worth it. Thank you for telling me. It’ll help.” Goku had never backed down from a good, important challenge, and he didn’t care what some faraway, petty monks might think.  (Sanzo had to be worrying about the monks for Goku’s sake because he didn’t care what they thought about _him_ as long as they obeyed him and stayed out of his way.) 

Sanzo had been on the road much longer than Goku and seen worse things. Being on this new road trip made it seem like Sanzo’s stay at the temple had been just a temporary rest stop between trips, not a home. 

Goku wanted to be Sanzo’s home.

 

### End


End file.
